We all know we will face it eventually... The inevitable loss of a parent, but I don't know if it's something you can ever prepare for really... I lost my dad a month ago pretty unexpectedly. He never smoked and had gone to the doctors a few times over the last few months feeling winded before they diagnosed him with non smoker's lung cancer.
they told him it was treatable but truth is lung cancer or anything serious related to the lungs is just really, really bad and because of the stigma with smoking I don't think our health system has explored getting treatments for lung ailments the way they do for prostate or breasts...
Anyhow, they started him on chemo but then did a rewind in the diagnosis and said it wasn't lung cancer, it was something else.
While the doctors scratched their heads he got sick in a matter of days, ultimately they intubated him and a couple days later we took him off life support as per his wishes..
it was fast and sudden in that I had to say my goodbyes while he was under sedation because we were told we would have years and got a week so I didn't think to do it when I left the hospital that day when they were getting it under control but in the end a machine was breathing for him and I just have to trust he heard everything I had to say while under sedation as the pulmonary fibrosis was so severe there was no coming back.
he didn't go in pain and that's the only comfort we're granted.
Those are the gory bits, at least as much as I care to share.
I do feel the health system let him down severely and I've anger at them for that, but as my friend told me if you ask yourself what would have been enough time... Another day? A week? A year? And the answer is always no; there's just never enough time so be grateful for the time you did get. I'm trying really hard.
I miss is him... so much. some days are this empty sensation coupled with a deep anguish in my heart that no words can mend and I know it's fresh and I know the memories will be cumulative but I'm having trouble shaking those last few days because they packed a powerful kick & I'm terrified of forgetting why I admired him so much and spent my life trying to emulate him as best as I was capable. The good and the bad I'm afraid will be overshadowed by this final image... I really hope not.
He lived a full, rich life which was so evident when we tried to list all do his accomplishments... I would have liked more time as would everyone who knew him but life is brief and it's important we actually try to forget how brief so we can live it fiercely & with vigor and drive and milk every god damn second we can without fear of the end because those moments, they're all fleeting and precious and we're all deserving of as many as we can muster.